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Adventures in online dating, Vol. V

Dating Detox

That’s it. I am taking a dating break.

What’s happened? Nothing. Nothing noteworthy, earth shattering, or ground breaking.

Just yet another failed attempt at creating a connection with someone that – and I knew that from the onset – wasn’t quite right for me. Another failed attempt that made me feel nothing, left me feeling empty, exhausted, and drained.

17 years ago, when I finally left my cheating first husband, I plunged head first into a whirlwind romance that lasted three months. Three months of not thinking, not feeling, not processing. After that, I fell into a state of numbness that persisted for the better part of a year. A year without a single kiss or date. Without as much as catching the eye of a stranger.

I hadn’t planned to live the life of a nun as a 28 year old. I would like to think I am more self aware today than I had been all those years back. But apparently, and without giving it much thought, I had been better at allowing myself time to heal and breathe without questioning it.

I can’t say that I feel any more pressure to date now than all those years back. If anything, I am more relaxed about finding a partner. I have got my children, my family, my life. I am not looking for someone to build my life with. Maybe I am not even sure anymore what I want ina partner and if I even want a partner.

Maybe it is exactly this uncertainty that makes me want to withdraw from it all. Maybe I need to find out what I want first, before jumping into dating adventures, only to find out what I don’t want. At the cost of my time, emotional balance, and sanity.

Of course, I am not getting any younger. But so aren’t the people around me. We are all getting older, which is both disconcerting and reassuring.

There is another kind of uncertainty in my life that has me preoccupied, a bigger question that I feel I have to sort out before I can truly commit to dating anyone. The Visa issue has popped up again, putting my work permit here in the US in jeopardy. I cannot not work. Especially now that I am separated – I have never pictured myself living on alimony, sitting on my bum all day. The thought alone makes me feel queasy.

Sometimes I am so tired of all of this. Sometimes I just want to pack up and go home. If only I knew where home is.

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A blessing in disguise?

Saved by the bell

Are you in for a joke? Here goes:

So, I had this plan…

I know, WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Planning is so 2019.

The plan was for me and my two children to leave the USA on November 1st to start a new life in Switzerland. With Covid cases spiralling out of control in California, schools closed since March and the feeling that I am building our lives on sand – we never quite know for sure how the visa situation turns out and if or when we will be kicked out of this country – going back to a place where I felt at home and somewhat secure seemed like a smart move.

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Dear Diary

How to deal with uninvited readers

The father of my children thought it a good idea to share this so far secret blog with his friend (I know, WTF?!). You might wonder why he had the link in the first place. The answer is simple. Because this is how our communication works: it’s open.

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Love in the Time of Corona

life in lockdown

Lessons to learn from a lockdown

Well, this has all been interesting so far. We have (largely unscathed) completed week three of lockdown, and the district has just announced that schools won’t reopen before August. And, please, parents, don’t think that school is over – no, we require you to immerse yourselves into the glorious world of home schooling and distance learning, because while the whole world hits the pause button, we are putting a little extra work on your shoulders. WTF. 

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