I know, WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Planning is so 2019.
The plan was for me and my two children to leave the USA on November 1st to start a new life in Switzerland. With Covid cases spiralling out of control in California, schools closed since March and the feeling that I am building our lives on sand – we never quite know for sure how the visa situation turns out and if or when we will be kicked out of this country – going back to a place where I felt at home and somewhat secure seemed like a smart move.
I am not sure where this sudden wave of sadness came from. It feels different to the sadness I felt over the last months. Different to the frustration and the anger that comes with a relationship that takes a different turn than what you had in mind for yourself and your family.
Well, this has all been interesting so far. We have (largely unscathed) completed week three of lockdown, and the district has just announced that schools won’t reopen before August. And, please, parents, don’t think that school is over – no, we require you to immerse yourselves into the glorious world of home schooling and distance learning, because while the whole world hits the pause button, we are putting a little extra work on your shoulders. WTF.
This is really not the blog post I wanted to write. The one I wanted to write dealt with how well this new path is working out for the husfriend and me. It was about how I felt that after putting in the work for more than a year, that the universe finally had my back. And it had new boobs in it (yes, I did it, and yes, they look amazing).
Did you miss me? I have taken myself away on a far away island, digital detox included. And now I am sitting on a plane in the middle of the night, my stomach in knots and my head spinning with the lack of sleep and the amount and speed of thoughts rushing through my mind.
I haven’t slept in weeks, and when I forced myself out of bed after another restless night, I could feel the panic creeping up in me. In the midst of depression, about two years ago, I had regular anxiety attacks, and they only subsided when I finally allowed myself to address my feelings and thoughts, how uncomfortable they might have been.