That’s it. I am taking a dating break.
What’s happened? Nothing. Nothing noteworthy, earth shattering, or ground breaking.
Just yet another failed attempt at creating a connection with someone that – and I knew that from the onset – wasn’t quite right for me. Another failed attempt that made me feel nothing, left me feeling empty, exhausted, and drained.
17 years ago, when I finally left my cheating first husband, I plunged head first into a whirlwind romance that lasted three months. Three months of not thinking, not feeling, not processing. After that, I fell into a state of numbness that persisted for the better part of a year. A year without a single kiss or date. Without as much as catching the eye of a stranger.
I hadn’t planned to live the life of a nun as a 28 year old. I would like to think I am more self aware today than I had been all those years back. But apparently, and without giving it much thought, I had been better at allowing myself time to heal and breathe without questioning it.
I can’t say that I feel any more pressure to date now than all those years back. If anything, I am more relaxed about finding a partner. I have got my children, my family, my life. I am not looking for someone to build my life with. Maybe I am not even sure anymore what I want ina partner and if I even want a partner.
Maybe it is exactly this uncertainty that makes me want to withdraw from it all. Maybe I need to find out what I want first, before jumping into dating adventures, only to find out what I don’t want. At the cost of my time, emotional balance, and sanity.
Of course, I am not getting any younger. But so aren’t the people around me. We are all getting older, which is both disconcerting and reassuring.
There is another kind of uncertainty in my life that has me preoccupied, a bigger question that I feel I have to sort out before I can truly commit to dating anyone. The Visa issue has popped up again, putting my work permit here in the US in jeopardy. I cannot not work. Especially now that I am separated – I have never pictured myself living on alimony, sitting on my bum all day. The thought alone makes me feel queasy.
Sometimes I am so tired of all of this. Sometimes I just want to pack up and go home. If only I knew where home is.