I know, WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Planning is so 2019.
The plan was for me and my two children to leave the USA on November 1st to start a new life in Switzerland. With Covid cases spiralling out of control in California, schools closed since March and the feeling that I am building our lives on sand – we never quite know for sure how the visa situation turns out and if or when we will be kicked out of this country – going back to a place where I felt at home and somewhat secure seemed like a smart move.
I am not sure where this sudden wave of sadness came from. It feels different to the sadness I felt over the last months. Different to the frustration and the anger that comes with a relationship that takes a different turn than what you had in mind for yourself and your family.
Did you miss me? I have taken myself away on a far away island, digital detox included. And now I am sitting on a plane in the middle of the night, my stomach in knots and my head spinning with the lack of sleep and the amount and speed of thoughts rushing through my mind.
I understand why a lot of people are hesitant when it comes to therapy, especially couple’s therapy. I had friends giving it a go, only for the husband to unload ‘all the things I hate about you’ in the space of an hour to the understanding nods and a-ha’s of said therapist. The only thing my friend took away from the session was a vow to never go back.
This isn’t the first time that I am baking cupcakes in the middle of the night, wrap presents, blow up balloons and dash to the store to get a missing ingredient, leaving my sleeping children home alone. It isn’t the first time I am preparing my child’s birthday by myself, and yet here I am, sobbing into the cake batter and eating half of it raw.
I haven’t slept in weeks, and when I forced myself out of bed after another restless night, I could feel the panic creeping up in me. In the midst of depression, about two years ago, I had regular anxiety attacks, and they only subsided when I finally allowed myself to address my feelings and thoughts, how uncomfortable they might have been.